three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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