matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
