last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
