I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The struggles of a small town man whore
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
