it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
