Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
