he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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