paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
