if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
