Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
