Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
