Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
