It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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