i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize