There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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