I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
