I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
no, he came in my armpit
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
