70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
