someone threw a dead crab at me
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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