What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
