My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
