Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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