He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
