Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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