I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Randomize
