Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
