I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
