I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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