he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
