i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
