So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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