well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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