her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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