I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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