so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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