I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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