EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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