I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
