I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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