Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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