I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
