I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
