Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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