White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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