I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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