hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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