I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
