sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
