rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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