I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
