Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
